Eastern Promises (2007)

There is a new member of the Pantheon of Terrible Movies, and his name is Eastern Promises. After poking around a bit, I was surprised to see that not very many people have realized this -- currently, it's got 89% on the tomato-o-meter.

First, let me make an obvious point: If a director centered a film on a grotesque caricature of African Americans, and went so far as to cast only white people and have them act in blackface, he'd be publicly eviscerated. He wouldn't be allowed near a camera again, ever. I have no idea why it's acceptable to do the same damn thing with Russians. If you don't find it offensive, surely you (like me) find it boring. In a similar vein, if you're going to fill your movie with Russian characters, you should hire some actual Russians. There's a whole country full of them, and many of them can act. It may surprise you, but they do a pretty good Russian accent!

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ross, it's a movie! I'm looking for over-the-top exoticism! And I don't speak Russian, so they don't sound silly to me." Let me point out, then, that the movie fails on its own terms. I guarantee that, within a half hour of the movie starting, you will know exactly how it will finish. I guarantee this. Not only will you have worked out the basic plot points, you will have figured out how the characters will "develop." The only things that will surprise you for the remainder of the movie are the bizarre decisions made by poor Naomi Watts, with which David Cronenberg clumsily advances the plot. It's as if they realized halfway through shooting the movie that they hadn't really come up for a reason for the Russian mafia to care about a nurse, and decided to have her throw herself at them until they reacted. Awesome.

We could ask whether Viggo Mortenson's character is interesting. I'd say "kind of." He made an admirable attempt to learn some Russian, and developed a surprising command of the Russian smirk. This isn't to say he's convincing, only that he's more convincing than most of the other actors. I think that the interesting part of the movie is supposed to be his struggle to walk the line between good and evil. I have to say, not much struggle is apparent. He only kills "bad guys." When put into a morally ambiguous situation, he always makes the "right" decision. He doesn't seem to have any regrets, really, and this makes him kind of boring.

If you want to watch a good movie about an undercover cop with a funny accent, watch The Departed. The only reason to see Eastern Promises is If you want to see Viggo Mortenson naked and bloody in a sauna.